116. Samantha snarled like a feline
© Bruce Goodman 3 February 2014
Samantha had her supermarket trolley piled with goodies. There were packets of potato chips, crackers, dips, confectionary, salamis, ice cream, soft drinks, beer, wine. The trolley was heaped with everything other than what could be construed as necessities.
She reached the check-out, followed by an almost-elderly, distinguished gentleman who had a few practical items in his trolley, such as onions and potatoes, a cabbage and several different meats.
“Having a party?” he asked of Samantha, in a manner that was more jovial than prying.
“No,” said Samantha. “I get these every week. You’ve got to play your cards right. I buy these for me, and then I go to the Salvation Army place and get given a few tins of stuff for the kid for the week. The Salvation Army doesn’t know any better. It’s all in the way you dress. You’ve got to use your head.”
“Oh, I see,” said the almost-elderly, distinguished gentleman. “What about those who might need the food?”
“You got to use your head,” repeated Samantha. “If you do that you can buy nice clothes and get your hair done. It’s a dog eat dog world on a cat scratching planet.” Samantha snarled like a feline.
“To each their own, I guess,” said the almost-elderly, distinguished gentleman.
The following week, Samantha went to court to make some allowance claim for herself and daughter. She was living in near poverty, she said. She’d had her hair done, and got a new outfit from the Salvation Army, to look poor. That’s why the almost-elderly, distinguished judge didn’t recognize her. He awarded the allowance. Samantha made a speech.
“You’ve got to play your cards right,” she said. “You’ve got to use your head. It’s a dog eat dog world on a cat scratching planet.” Samantha snarled like a feline.
“Oh, I see,” said the almost-elderly, distinguished judge, with a sudden note of recognition.
And now, dear Reader, you can choose one of two endings; one true to life, the other not:
1. She left the court and went home, calling into the delicatessen on the way to get a few nice little morsels with which to celebrate. Samantha purred like a cat.
2. The judge reversed his decision. Samantha snarled like a feline. He threw her in prison. He was angry, and when he was angry he always resorted to literary references. He said:
“You are a murderous lump of foul jelly.” – Richard III
“I do smell all horse piss, at which my nose is in great indignation.” – The Tempest
“The most pernicious race of little odious vermin that nature ever suffered to crawl upon the surface of the earth.” – Gulliver’s Travels
Feel free to add your own quotations.