491. The garden party
© Bruce Goodman 13 February 2015

Laurel and Edna had been enemies since school. Not exactly enemies; they simply didn’t like each other. Laurel thought Edna was a snob, and Edna thought Laurel lacked taste. They were next door neighbours. They had both been invited to the Queen’s Garden Party at the palace.

They had a squabble across their common back fence. Most unpleasant. It began kindly enough.

“What are you wearing to the Royal Garden Party?” asked Laura of Edna.

“As you know I usually only shop at boutiques, but this time I’m getting something specially made,” said Edna. “And you? I suppose you’re buying something cheap at the second-hand shop?”

“Actually, I am,” said Laurel. “And it will be quite nice enough.”

The exchange grew from there, as indeed it often did. Edna advised Laurel to wear some plastic jewellery because it made her look like the cheap prostitute she was. Laurel responded by reminding Edna that if she was going to walk around with her nose in the air with a turnip shoved up her arse then “don’t forget to take it out before your curtsey to the Queen.”

The big day arrived. Edna and Laurel arrived at the palace gates at the same time. They were not wearing identical outfits. Thank heavens for that!

Later, Laurel dropped a piece of cream sponge cake down her cleavage, and then slipped and threw the wine from her wine glass into the air. She spent the rest of the garden party hiding behind a giraffe topiary, and never got to meet the Queen.

Edna couldn’t help but notice that the Queen’s corgis were wearing sweet little canine covers; all made from the same fabric as Edna’s dress. She spent the rest of the garden party hiding behind the topiary chatting with Laurel, and never made as much as a curtsey.

After that, Edna and Laurel always chatted good-naturedly over the back fence. In fact, they were almost friends. Word has it too, that Her Majesty read (incognito) this story on a blog and gave it a like.

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