1172. Presumably nit free
© Bruce Goodman 6 November 2017

Hi Caregivers

Welcome to the third newsletter this year from the Little Albert Einsteins’ Kindergarten! We have some exciting news with a touch of not-so-exciting news!

First the not-so-exciting news: We have discovered a case of nits. Please check your child’s hair and make sure it is nit free. In the meantime, you’ll be thrilled to know, we have commissioned an artist to create a picture of Albert Einstein with his hair shaved off. This will hang in the front foyer and replace the more traditional one, so that any child with nits will feel welcome and appreciated.

This brings me to our next point – the really exciting one!

We are changing our name! First of all we are removing the word “Little” from the name because it is demeaning to children. It implies that they are worthless. It’s the old adage, isn’t it, that children should be seen and not heard? So “Little” has disappeared.

Secondly, “Albert” is divisive and exclusive, so we are changing to “Alberta” which includes both the masculine and feminine forms of the name. Hopefully this way no toddler will feel left out because of their sexual preference.

The name “Einstein” has created a headache. “Ein” sounds like “iron”. It’s as if to say we expect the girls to grow up and stand at the ironing board in a subservient position. So after much discussion, we are replacing “Ein” with “Wrinkle-resistant”.

The “Stein” part of the name created a stigma for those who don’t like science, or are no good at it. So we are using “Steinway” instead, which is a brand of piano and thus it becomes all-inclusive for both scientists and those whose interests may waver from the scientific.

So here we are! Welcome to the Alberta Wrinkle-resistant Steinway Kindergarten!

Oh dear! I’ve had complaints already. Ms Olivia Brackenbury, who is eighty, brought in her greatgrandchild and complained that the Wrinkle-resistant aspect was a typical case of ageism. Silly wizened-up woman.

Sarah Spriggon just pointed out that the word “Kindergarten” is a reinforcement of the rampant Nazism which is crawling into every aspect of life in this country. She felt ostracised from the community. We shall work on that next.

Oh but the artist has just arrived with the portrait of a shaven Einstein. It’s wonderful! It looks like the French artist Degas! Mon dieu! Someone just said that Degas was abusive to his models. Another thing to tidy up.

More news next week, as we forge ahead. And remember the motto drawn up by our staff: Inklusivität für alle und keine Duldung derer, die anders denken, which is roughly translated, I believe, as It’s best to bash up those who don’t agree with you.

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