699. Long to reign
© Bruce Goodman 9 September 2015

What a marvellous monarch the monarch has been. How graciously the royal duties have been performed since ascending the throne. And today, all records of longevity of reign are to be smashed: the extraordinary lengthy reign of a predecessor will be beaten by a modern counterpart.

It has been a week since the monarch’s body was discovered sitting dead on the toilet. And now the day for breaking records had arrived. The embalming fluids have done their job wondrously. No announcement announcing death need be made until the new record has been recorded.

The body sits, entombed on a throne. An official statement from the palace has announced that no speech will be given as the monarch is “feeling a little off colour”. It’s now just four more minutes before the new record will be set! Four minutes! Three minutes!

The cameras are honing in. The crown has slipped down over the forehead. The monarch’s nose has fallen off. A seam in the stomach muscle has burst. Festering fluids swamp the white frock. The lengthy record of reign set by a predecessor still holds sway. So close! It was so close!

Oh well! We wish the latest late monarch’s successor greater luck.

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