2638. Valentine's Day Massacre
© Bruce Goodman 14 February 2023

You’ve no idea how enraged Brianna’s parents were.

“We did everything right,” said Ruth. “We did everything by the book, and look at us now. Brianna is all of seventeen and has got a Valentine’s Day card. FROM RUSSELL. Where did we go wrong? Russell’s heterosexual. Can things get worse? Yes they can.”

“We brought Brianna up to respect transsexuals. How humiliating is this? I’m almost too embarrassed to be seen in public. Everyone will know. I told you she should have had that operation when she was seven. And now this Russell Hetero-raving-sexual sent her a Valentine’s Day card.”

“Oh my God,” wailed Olga. “Have you seen this Russell fellow that sent the card? He’s white. We brought up Brianna to respect black people and now she gets a card from a white racist. Our standing in the community plummets by the minute. This is soul destroying.”

“Oh!” screeched Winston, Brianna’s third mother. “We brought Brianna up to respect other cultures and now she gets a Valentine’s Day card from someone who’s not a foreigner. Come here Brianna. Come here instantly!”

“Brianna,” said all three, “we brought you up properly and you’ve become racist, homophobic, and xenophobic. From now on we disown you. You’re on your own, you disgusting ungrateful personage. You have shown no respect. Get out of the house.”

“I forgot to tell you,” said Brianna. “I’m pregnant.”

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