1047. The secret to longevity
© Bruce Goodman 29 May 2017

When Hilda Woolley turned 106 what a fuss was made. She donned a brand new pink frock with a blue jacket. She looked a picture!

She was the only person in town ever to have reached 106. What a record! What an achievement! Of course, the local paper had to get in on the act.

“What is the secret to longevity?” they inevitably asked.

“The secret is not widely known,” said Hilda Woolley. “You don’t want to believe what all these health fanatics say. Three eggs a day, a good bottle of wine, and lots of butter. If you like butter then spread it by the pound. The danger is to limit yourself. You have to devour these things every day so that the body learns to use the nutrients to its advantage. To have a bit here and a bit there, and not in a regular fashion, is what the health experts are on about. Three eggs, a bottle of wine, and butter, butter, butter, every day.”

“That’s fascinating,” said the reporter.

“That should kill a few of them oldies off,” thought Hilda Woolley. “All these old people trying to beat my record of 106!”

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