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Andrew II: Hi! Look, I've come to apologise. I'm a bit mixed up at present. I'm loved by three women and two men. And now I think Brook has his eyes on me. I simply don't know who to turn to. Who am I? What am I? Was I born this way or was it my parents? I know I was molested as a child. Do you think that has something to do with it? How can I live a normal life with the upbringing I've had? I was only four when my older brother told me about Father Christmas. I was deprived. For three years I had to pretend to my parents that Father Christmas was true. They never knew that I knew the truth. I had to live a lie. When I say "parents" I really mean my mother. My father died when I was two and my mother never remarried. I came from a dysfunctional home. I had no real male role-model. Only my auntie. And she divorced when I was eight. I called my mother's girlfriend "Dad" - which was another lie. Lies! Lies! Lies! My whole upbringing has been a mess. How can I have a normal relationship with three women, two men, and maybe Brook, when I had such a messy childhood?

Pause. No reaction.

Andrew II: When I married Mahogany I knew it wouldn't last. I was too unstable emotionally. How was I to know that getting an Ethiopian bride by mail-order would put undue strain on an already stressful relationship with Harold? How was I to know that when Harold arranged the adoption of a child he was already planning to leave me? Do you see what a mess I'm in?

Pause. No reaction.

Andrew II: I never had a pet as a child that didn't die on me.

Pause. No reaction.

Andrew II: No bird has ever nested in a tree I planted.

Pause. No reaction.

Andrew I: You're making a mountain out of a mole hill.

Andrew II: When I tried to take my life when I was fourteen, even that backfired. They said it was a cry for help. But it wasn't. I wanted to end it all. It wasn't a cry for help. I was beyond that. I wanted to stop the planet and get off. So would you if you had acne as bad as I did.

Pause. No reaction.

Andrew II: The only thing that stopped me trying suicide again was getting polio. I couldn't move for months. I wanted to die. But then one day, a nun visited the hospital and said "You are loved". I could've cried. I was so happy. It was the thing that kept me going. Learning to walk again with the calipers on my legs. Being shunted from one foster home to another because my mother had to work as a prostitute to pay for the medication.


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